It's ok, to not be ok!

Here is the thing I suddenly realized today...I don't know what I'm doing! SUPRISE!  Just in case anyone out there had a misconception that I know what to do, guess what, I don't!  It is completely freeing feeling when I finally come to the realization that I am so inadequate for a job like the OLYMPICS (I put it in caps so you could see how extremely massive the olympics is!  Doesn't it look like a huge word beside the little non-capital words?  

Good, I hope my point has been proven that the Olympics is big and I am not!  I have tried for 3 weeks to live up to an image that I am confident in who I am and what I am doing!  It can almost feel like you are drowning trying to keep everything together and try to please the masses.  It all finally came crashing at dinner tonight when my friend from Switzerland who is here for the week asked me in how I am doing.  I started with a solid "great, things are good, we have contacts around London, we have cool football opportunities lined up" and by the end of the conversation I was crying in a cafeteria full of unsuspecting victums saying "I just don't know what to do,  I'm not strong, I'm not wise, I'm not creative, I'm not good at this job!!"  

Now, this is coming from a girl that has prided herself in the past for not crying in open places and being the strong one when everyone is emotional.  It was a nice humbling lesson!  I think the insensitive me would have sat in the corner mocking the emotional me on this particular occasion, but I don't care anymore, because sometimes it is ok to not be ok.  It was so great to sit there with this friend and be honest.  I came full face with the fact that I am so inadequate for this job, but that God is the definition of adequate!  He makes the capitalized Olympics look like a tiny grain sand in his big picture!  My friend reminded me that it's ok to not know what I'm doing because God does and He is going to get his plan accomplished with or without me.  That is exactly what I needed to hear today!  

I am disposable, this Olympics outreach doesn't hinge on me and will not be held together or broken apart by me.  This outreach has everything to do with God and His name and His story being made known among the whole earth and nothing to do with sports venues and football clinics and church contacts slopped together by Dondi.  I just need to write this now and hopefully get it fully embedded in my brain, so that if I do accomplish anything that looks like even the slightest form of success then I can immediately remember how much I don't know, and how much all of it had to do with the grace of God.  There will never in the next 2 years be a reason for me to ever "pat myself on the back" because I can tell you with confidence, when it's done on my watch and on my own imagination and creativity...it will be disastrous...guaranteed!  

I'm so thankful that God uses people who are so extremely unqualified for a job like this, so it will be obvious at the end of the day who gets the "pat on the back"....(which happens to be one of my pet peeves in Christian culture..."everyone, lets give God a hand!" or "Pat Jesus on the back!" so I just broke my own personal rule...but it's ok, 150 people just saw me break down over a plate of sweet and sour chicken, so today is fair game!)