So, in my previous blog, I wrote about God being good. In the last few days, there have been moments of deeper revelations into areas where even though I have knowledge that He is good, everything in my prayer life and day to day living proves that I do not truly believe this and do not allow this truth of His goodness to sink into the very core of me. I am constantly giving God a loop hole in my prayers in case He doesn't answer, I won't blame Him and become bitter. In my prayers, I almost pray expecting Him to fail me. In a way, I'm trying to protect myself from being let down by His character. But I am learning that His character doesn't need protecting or defending. He is who He says He is. He says he is good and makes all things happen for the good of those who love Him. Numbers 23:19 says "God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried through?" He is good and I can trust him! I can pray honest prayers and believe He loves me and knows me.
I have never struggled to see God as serious and mighty and king and ruler. I have never doubted that in his presence, there are serious issues and serious discussions and serious missions.
But love has been so much harder. Seeing God as someone that laughs with me and kids with me and wants good things for my life and provides cool friendships. Seeing Him as someone that cares about the little things that no one else notices or as someone that collects my tears in a jar, as Psalms says, has been difficult. Believing that it gives Him joy to see me writing or designing or playing sports or a million other things has been hard.
Things are changing though. He has been showing me that He is more flowers than thistles, more laughter than wrath, more open hand than closed fist. Is He serious? Without a doubt. Do I still feel like it’s a big deal to come into His court? Certainly, only now I think it’s OK to arrive there by water slide.(acuff)
