Suffering and Joy

I just wanted to write the journey of the last few weeks my family and I have been on, so I can remember what God has done and what we have learned! Like remembering that it is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us.

January 4th, Kyle and I were watching "The Office" I started getting emotional on a Pam and Jim scene and then ran to the toilet from Nausea...yep, red flag!  We went and got a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant!  I was so scared, "Can I be a mom?" "Our life is about to change" "I'm about to gain so much weight"....Kyle was amazing! He was excited and helped me change those negative thoughts to positives  "There is going to be a tiny baby that we get to love." "This is the greatest adventure we have ever got to be apart of." It took about a week for me to come around to an incredible joy and excitement for a little one!  I was learning so much about the very miracle babies truly are.

Fast Forward January 18th, the heart breaking moment with the first sign of blood and cramping.  We were able to get into the Doctor right away and got an ultrasound and blood test, it was confirmed that I was miscarrying, but they needed to check my HCG levels to be sure.

Many people have gone through this, but no one can really prepare you for the emotion of it all.  Things I want to remember about this time, is that God is very near to the broken hearted....I know that through the years of being a Christian, so many verses have lost their meaning because of overuse or the weird Christian phrases and tshirts that pop up all over the place.  "As the deer pants for water, so my soul longs for you." As a deer is searching and yearning for water because it's about to die without it, it is the same with my soul, I am needing to drink water that satisfies and I need it soon or I will not survive.

Now we move forward to January 29th, my 27th birthday, and we find out that my HCG levels have been slowly rising indicating that I have an ectopic pregnancy.  Meaning that the fetus has attached itself to the wall of my Fallopian tube and had started growing outside the uterus. Many people don't find out they have an ectopic pregnancy until they are hovered over in pain in the ER because their fallopian tube has burst and they are bleeding out.  I am so lucky that the doctors were able to catch it in time before it became deadly to me. So, January 31st I had surgery to remove the fetus from the tube. The doctor said that it was very close to rupturing but they got it in time and saved the tube as well. So currently, I'm sitting here, 2 days later, hyped up on pain medicine recounting the past month.  I am remembering it because there are lessons God is teaching me that I would not have learned any other way.

I am weary, I am tired, this journey has been unlike anything I have ever gone through.... I would like to say that I never once doubted God, I never once said "why me?" but it's not true. I go through high moments of strength and excitement for the Lords plan and Gods character and then moments of low, weakness and doubt and discontentment and ready to be done with all this.... Even now, there are days I want him to come and redeem, I want him to come and restore things, but if I'm honest, I really just want him to come so I'll be comfortable. I want to be out of pain. In this I wrestle, because I fail to want him for who he is. My entitled little selfish heart wants all the pain to go away instead of wanting God, instead of looking at him as the object of my hope. 

The biggest lessons I have learned are about joy, hope and suffering  In the world's eyes these are extreme opposites, but with God, there is peace in suffering and joy and hope in pain.  Don't hear me wrong....happiness and joy are two different things. I'm not happy to be going through this, I'm not happy that I'm in pain, but I have hope of things so much greater than what I'm going through and so much greater than my pain that my hope results in joy. I am joyous that the one who goes before me and walks beside me is strong enough to hold me.  Strong enough to handle me doubt, strong enough to lean on.  I have peace and joy because I know that seeing God here and now, is better than anything this world has to offer.


 As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible. Joy is always possible. Whenever, meaning—now; wherever, meaning—here. The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here! Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be—unbelievably—possible! The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now.

Birthday Fun!

My birthday seems to be happening all week!  My favorite place to eat in Vegas is an All-You-Can-Eat Sushi bar....and Kyle's parents took us out on Friday and after we ate all that we could eat...we took a few laps around the restaurant and went for round 2!

Then, Monday, My friend took me to watch Mystere a Vegas cirque du soleil show!!  It was so cool because she works for Le Reve and we got to go before hand to do a tour of the set and see all the behind the scene things of the show! No photography....but you know what a rule follower I am!

 Then for my actual birthday day I woke up around 4am to the smell of pancakes cooking, Kyle rushed in saying he had to go to work early and would make up forgetting my birthday to me later in the day. He made pancakes so I should be thankful for that right?  I grumbled and shook it off because I didn't have much expectation for the day anyways. I proceeded to get phone calls and text messages and videos and flower deliveries and edible arrangements all before I headed to work for the day...I was blown away by all the love...thinking to myself, who cares if Kyle forgot, maybe this day won't be so bad after all!  Then as I was driving to work, I noticed all these white posters taped to the light poles down the major street I drive everyday....my curiosity got the best of me....turns out my husband didn't have to go to work early and he didn't forget my birthday, he was up at 4am posting an entire poem...one word in bubble letters on each poster down the entire block. It said "4 years ago we said yes to maybe, 1 year ago we said yes to I Do, Dondi, my love, happy birthday to you!"  Yay, he won the game. He proceed to just surprise me all day with notes and my favorite food and a movie. Maybe 27 won't be so bad after all.

Oceanside

This weekend, Kyle and I went to the coast of California and stayed at this little cottage that looked out to the ocean.  We were able to eat Chik-fil-a and watch a whole school of dolphins play in the waves.

Chik-Fil-A, Ordered 3 chicken sandwiches, 2 chicken nuggets and 4 waffle fries

Outside our little house

With nothing in our way from our back porch to the water except the sand, we sat and watched the tide come in.  Something we talked about was the power of the moon.  How the moon is able to create low tide and high tide, and disrupt the power of Earth's gravity to accelerate the water towards itself.  The funny thing about the moon is it seems magnificent until it's compared to the sun.  The only reason the moon even gives out light is because of its reflection off the sun's rays.  I was thinking about this today while going through some tough things this week.  Suffering and pain, like the moon, seems powerful and unstoppable, until it's compared to the power of the sun/Son.  My friend sent me a few quotes that have been comfort to my soul.

 "God didn't bring us this far and then forget our names. He knows what we don't understand and understands what we don't know" - Bob Goff

"His love is deepest in deepest waters. "When you pass through the waters, *I will be with you*" Isa. 43:2"- Ann Voskamp

"Every mountain that every Christian ever faces, the Lord levels with sufficient grace. He will provide." -Ann Voskamp

"God's comfort always outweighs our suffering. (2 Cor. 1:3-5)" David Platt

"Good news: the King who is sovereign over suffering is also familiar with suffering. (Heb. 2:17-18)" David Platt

"Faith never denies the reality of our experience. Faith believes in & calls upon the one who is greater than the reality of our experience." Christine Caine

"When we've been bruised, broken, crushed, wounded or shattered, oil is produced that can be poured out to bring healing! Anointing has a price" Christine Caine

"God only allows pain if He’s allowing something new to be born." - Ann Voskamp

"You pull in your life and you see that though you felt ripped open -- the net actually didn’t tear." Ann Voskamp

I have started writing so many post on this blog the last year.  Post about marriage, and living in Vegas, post of Paleo recipes I've invented or my experience of training for a half-marathon. I've written about our trip to Boston and our local wedding reception, as well as visits from family and friends!  We have had new jobs and a new house and even traveled around the Caribbean on a cruise ship!  My problem is that I have started writing all these great post, but never got around to making a complete thought or finishing the story.  And because I didn't think the post was not good enough, I just deleted it and went on. I was looking back at some of my post in the past few years and it was great to sit and remember where I was when I wrote those, some internet cafe in Africa or a coffee shop in England, or sit and relive the stories I told.  I realize that this whole blog thing is really more for me and my own memories than anyone else.  It's like a public diary that if passerbyers happen to peak in on than that's cool, but if no one ever reads anything I write, I will have a place to store my thoughts to read back someday.

So, I'm giving this whole blog thing a second try.  Maybe it will have a whole lot of post about nothing, but who cares because no one probably reads it anyways (except for maybe my sister and mom *shout out!*)  So, what am I waiting for....let's finally post this thing!

Note to Self:

 Words of Wisdom I want to pass on to my kids someday....I hope to add to it, as I learn new things and experience new adventures. 

1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs are not one of them!

2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.

3. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a dollar. 

 4. When entrusted with a secret, keep it 

5. Don't underestimate free throws in a game of horse 

6. You only get one chance to Notice a new haircut

 7. If you're staying more than one night, unpack 

8. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly 

9. Take a vacation from your phone, Internet, tv at least once a year 

10. Don't fill up on bread, no matter how good 

11. A handshake beats an autograph 

12. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it 

13. Eat lunch with the new kids 

14. It's never too late for an apology

 15. Under no circumstances should you ask a women if she is pregnant 

16. Invest in great luggage 

17. Make time for mom on your birthday, it's her special day too

 18. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser 

19. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp

 20. Give credit. Take blame

 21. Suck it up every now and then 

22.If you've made your point, stop talking 

23. Admit it when you're wrong 

24. If you offer to help, don't quit until the job is done 

25. Look people in the eyes when you thank them

 26. Know at least one good joke 

27. Know how to cook at least one good meal 

28. Learn to drive a stick shift 

29. It's ok to go to the movies by yourself 

30. Dance with your mom and dad 

31. If you don't understand, ask before its too late 

32. Be patient with airport security. They are just doing their job 

33. Don't be the talker in a movie 

34. Learn to change a tire 

35. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them 

36. An hour with grandparents is an hour well spent 

37. Buy the orange properties in monopoly 

38. You're never too old to need mom and dad

 39. If you decide to wear high heels you are committing to keeping them on and shutting your mouth when the pain comes 

40. Your dance moves might not be the best. But making a fool of yourself is more fun than sitting on the bench alone 

41. Smile at strangers 

42. Make goals 

43. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime

Season of Change.

Something I have noticed from living in England is there are actually 4 distinct seasons. Growing up in West Texas, I could usually only tell that we had moved from Winter to Spring because Hunting season was over and Baseball season was starting, and the only real sign that we were no longer in the summer months was when Football 2-a-days were in full swing.  The weather doesn't change very drastically except when we get the occasional Winter snow storm or the 300 mph winds that leaves dirt in your teeth for 3 years. 

Winter Wonderland in England!

Autumn in England

But England, England is different, England on it's best days has a way of showing off the 4 seasons really well.  Right now it is very obvious that Autumn is here, The trees are all changing to bright red and yellow leaves, the air is crisp, and everything smells like fall (You know the smell, that smell that just makes you want to get a pumpkin spice latte and read a good book in sweatpants or watch Downton Abbey with the girls, Fall is perfect in my opinion) After Autumn of course comes Winter, and the trees are completely bare here, but when the snow falls, it actually looks like a winter wonderland.  This is usually the season where I drink at least 8 cups of hot tea a day, and wear 5 layers of clothes, but who doesn't love a good chance to wear all the clothes you own at once :). Snow fights and tackle football can get out of hand around here, but I've always lived by the rules...scars are like tattoos but with better stories! After winter, it seems suddenly almost over night the trees bloom...yay, it's crazy, they actually bloom.  Spring is here and the flowers grow on the trees and bluebells in the forest, and I almost feel like I have stepped out of a Jane Austen book. Although that whole "April Showers, bring May flowers" Is actually "March, April, May, June, July Showers, Bring flowers," I like to complain about the rain, but on those rare days when the rain stops, England is perfect. I almost (VERY STRONG ALMOST) am thankful for all the rain on those days, because the flowers are incredible! Next, from July-September the sun decides to come out and everything is completely green and fresh, most of the time I get amnesia of what the rain was like because I think to myself, "I never want to leave this place, it's so beautiful!" 

Spring!

It's obvious that each season is completely different, each season has it's distinct and unique feel, each season has it's strength and weakness (except Autumn, Autumn is perfect :)), but when I look back at my time in England I can just remember how each season has always been beautiful in it's own way.

Why do I go on an on about seasons when this post is about change? Well, it's the lesson I have been learning lately.  For the past 4 years, I have been running around the world, living one adventure after the other, experiencing new cultures and eating crazy cuisines!  This season has been incredible, and I think back to everything I have learned during this time about myself, my worldview, and God's unfailing love. 

Before, when I would think about the upcoming changes in my life, it would terrify me, create an overwhelming fear of the unknown, and a sense of dread like I was leaving the adventure and fullness of life I have found overseas behind.  

But now, God has been showing me that just like the 4 seasons are distinctly different, good and beautiful, so it is with this new season I am entering into.  The adventure and living life to the fullness is a choice, and that mindset can follow me into each place.  This new season is going to be good.  This new season will be an adventure like never before.  There is hope in this new season, and when I stop complaining about the rain for a second, I can stop and see how amazing the flowers look!  It's so exciting to know that I'm going into this season with an incredible travel buddy, and I get to marry a guy that makes me "stop and smell the roses" from time to time, and I'm moving to Las Vegas, a place that God is so captivated by and so in love with, and there are people their that need to know that! This season is distinctly different, but beauty will follow.  LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN!

My New Book!

If my life was a book, then it seems that the next few months of my life, I will be finishing writing the last chapter of one book (probably finishing with the line 'and they all lived happily ever after') and then starting a sequel where 1 or 2 main characters continue on, but everything else is different.  When I do big life changes, it seems that I don't just start a new little chapter with an intro of a new character, but I like to do big Epic changes that require a new book and a lot more ink and paper.  Let me set the plot and storyline for you on my new upcoming "book." The scenary will be completely different, a whole new list of characters will be introduced, and we will get to read more on what goes on inside the "happily ever after" bit.

First, as yall might already know from my last post, I'm GETTING MARRIED WHOO HOOO!! Now, I didn't know that I would be one of those girls that would have so much fun planning a wedding, but I have not stopped flipping through wedding magazines and websites!  Crazy thing is that I have not looked at one wedding dress or cake, but my focus has soley been on making sure the reception is the party of the century.  Kyle made me stop and take a breather after my ideas got outta hand with balloon animals and slip-n-slides and go carts. But come on, who doesn't want a firework display and dancing monkey's in a grand finale production?  My point exactly! I have been looking for a cool barn venue so that all our friends coming from Europe and around the states can have a true Texas experience.  If any of yall know of anything in Midland/Odessa around March or April, please let me know!

So, now that I have a cool fiance, and a cool wedding (with an REALLY cool reception) We have been talking alot about the second big plot changer in the story.

My New Home!

I'm finally moving back to the states for a season!!! This one has been the scariest change for me. I remember before moving overseas, I was nervous of what lies ahead, and all the unknowns were terrifying.  Now, moving back, I'm in the same position, but the roles have been reversed, but I'm ready for the adventure! I will be coming home November 3rd for my fabulous best friend and roommate from College, Brittani Briner's wedding!!! Afterwards Kyle and I will be hanging out in Texas for November.  I even get to go to Thanksgiving at my Grandmother's house for the first time in 3 or 4 years!! I'm so excited about this time in Texas and I hope that we will get to hang out with most of you while we are there!  After November, (drum roll please...) Kyle and I will be moving to LAS VEGAS. Although much of this move has plenty of unknowns, we have been praying about how God wants to use us during this season. Kyle and I will be getting jobs and working, as well as helping with the local YWAM base.  

So let's see where we are in my new story and the changes coming.  New Location...Check.  New Job...check.  New last name...check.  New main characters...check. 

Here is an insert to one of the chapters in the new story that has already come about:

A few weeks ago after we had gotten engaged, we were both at a place where God seemed to be leading us to do many things and putting different passions on our heart, but no concrete direction of moving forward with those things. With one month to go before leaving England, and not seeing how

all these things were going to tie together, we had to learn that God is in control and the words "trust" and "have faith" became really real.  It seems easy to use those words or give that advice to others when outside of the situation, but to feel like you are walking blindly to the next step and trusting

anyways is a completely different thing. We really feel strongly about starting a prayer/healing room in Vegas, God has put Vegas on our hearts, not just the city, but also the people.  It is interesting that the original design of Las Vegas, was a meadow land which when "Las Vegas" is translated it means "fertile land."  We have been praying that the desert that Vegas is known for would be transformed and live up to it's name. 

     With these things on our hearts and no real direction, last week we were introduced to the couple who will be taking a big leadership role within YWAM, Las Vegas over this next season of their lives. Within the first sentences of our conversation, this couple talked about their heart for starting a prayer room in Las Vegas!  The amazing part about meeting these people, is not only that they had the same heart and passions we had, but also, that God was speaking the exact same words to them as He had been to us. They also need worship leaders, and Kyle's main passion and gifting is in leading worship! 

    The more amazing thing about this story is that our paths actually crossed in a bizarre way!  They were not planning on coming to YWAM Harpenden, but their airline lost their guitar.  With the tag on the guitar only saying YWAM, the airport googled YWAM and Harpenden's address was the only one to come up.  They were only here for a brief moment to pick up their guitar, but that moment was God ordained indeed.

Sooo looks like we will be coming home! YAY! A few things you can be thinking about and praying for us in, is to pray and see which part you could play in our ministry as we move to Vegas and begin this prayer room. Whether that means joining our team, helping with worship, coming and visiting, financially supporting, etc... As this is still very young and the vision is pretty big.  Other practical things, we will be looking for a car when we get to Texas.  As we are both coming off of the mission field and being self supported, we are praying for God provision on finding a good car for a relatively cheap price.  So if you know of anyone selling or could be keeping your eyes open for something that would be beautiful!!  Thank you for all your love and support.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the

life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell